


Bang the Doldrums

by siderealSandman



Series: Gods of Altearthia [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Godstuck, Las Vegas, Open Relationships, PWP | Plot with Porn, Polyamory, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Russian Wrestlers, Tigers, Trolls on Earth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-02 16:14:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5254889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siderealSandman/pseuds/siderealSandman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Friday morning, Dave Strider, God Knight of Time, woke to find a half-naked Witch of Space floating in his pool outside his penthouse in Houston. Exactly three days later, he woke up in a completely destroyed hotel room in Las Vegas underneath a completely naked Witch of Space, wearing a diamond tiara with a tiger sitting in their bathtub. </p><p>This is the tale of the Knight of Time and the Witch of Space and their conquest of the City of Sin. This is the story of how Dave Strider learned how to shoot a gun and how Jade Harley learned how to make old money uncomfortable. This is the tale of how Jade Harley stowed twelve big cats in the trunk of a pink El Dorado and how Dave Strider made a 500 pound bouncer humble (the old country way). </p><p>And this is the story of how they got over their romantic hangups by learning that they were better off as lovers and not the other way around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friday Morning (Shit Let's Be Highrollers)

**Author's Note:**

> AKA The story of how Jade Harley started fucking Rose Lalonde's Brother 
> 
> Takes place prior to Human Quadrants.

Most people would be understandably shocked to wake up to the sound of someone else banging around in their kitchen at 8:25 on a Friday morning but even as the ruckus dragged Dave Strider out of his uneasy sleep, he decided to lay in bed for a few more moments because it was too damn early to be fighting off robbers and if someone was coming to kill him he reckoned they were going to be in for a nasty shock. He opened an eye, sweeping the disorderly bedroom and counting to see how many swords he had in easy reach before rolling over, wrapping himself around a body pillow with a small groan of exasperation.

It was pain in the ass to deal with intruders but something to do at least; maybe one of the would-be murderer-robbers would be some kind of secret kung-fu master capable of taking on a literal living god.

Dave brushed aside his _Kill Bill_ fantasies for a moment, fumbling around and pressing a button on his nightstand as he got to his feet. The blackout shades slowly rolled back, revealing the Houston skyline and the vast expanse of the Texan landscape stretching out for miles and miles in all directions. The towering penthouse apartment stood head and shoulders above the rest of the city, giving him a view that extended out into the Gulf of Mexico far enough for miles to start being counted nautically.

Currently, Dave Strider had a full bladder, morning wood, and a potential killer in his house on top of not being properly caffeinated so he found the view a little less charming than he might have otherwise.

Dave stumbled into the bathroom connected to the master suite, considering hopping in the shower so his attacker might have some kind of fighting chance against him. Fuck, he might even squirt some shampoo in his eyeballs so he couldn’t see the intruder when they came. Maybe if he was blind disoriented and naked he might not completely wipe whatever squishy mortal fool had summited his personal Olympus but unless he was fighting Diomedes or Kratos from God of War, he didn’t fancy it being much of a fight no matter how badly he handicapped himself.

“Guy can dream,” Dave muttered to himself, flushing the toilet with a wave of his hand and strolling out into his bedroom, rubbing his eyes as the hot Texas sun streamed through the bay windows that surrounded his personal nest. He strolled over a plush, faux-fur rug to the bookcase. He reached for a bust of a raven and flicking its beak back to reveal a button. Pressing it, he turned around to step into a pair of jeans he wore the day before and a t-shirt and by the time he turned back the bookcase had pulled back, revealing a small wall of swords of various makes and styles.

“Eenie, meenie, minee, mo,” Dave muttered, ticking off the swords one by one with his finger. “Catch a robber by the toe. If he hollers throw him two stories down into the pool…minee, mo.”

Dave plucked the red and silver katana from its space on the wall, shouldering it as he considered picking up another sword in case the intruders hadn’t come prepared to fight. Shrugging, Dave, shouldered his sword and pushed the door to the bedroom open.

Dave stood on the balcony of his master suite, staring blearily down into the main living area of his penthouse. The kitchen was undisturbed and the main living room was completely unmolested as well. The 152’ Plasma TV might have been too large to carry off but his game systems, mixing equipment, and laptops were also untouched. Frowning slightly, Dave hopped off the balcony, landing with a small thud on the marble floor two stories below as he looked around for any sign of intruders.

“Ollie Ollie oxen free,” Dave called, padding across the marble floors and plush faux-fur throw rugs as he made his way through his penthouse. “Gosh golly gee I sure hope no one’s hiding in any cabinets trying to kill me or anything! I am just a poor, defenseless young man without any means of defending my-“

Dave stopped in the middle of the living room, glancing at a pile of rumpled clothing he definitely didn’t remember leaving there. Making his way over, he used the end of his scabbard to pick up a pair of jean shorts and a dark green tank top that was hardly his style. The lack of caffeine pumping through his body meant it took him a moment to figure out what was going on and a split second after he puzzled it out, he heard the door to the patio slide open behind him.

“You got a towel or something?” Dave turned around to see Jade Harley standing just outside the patio door, long black hair dripping wet and wearing only a green and white striped bikini as she wrang her tail out behind her.

“Man, you’re not a serial killer,” Dave said, stowing his sword between two cushions on the couch and padding over to the hall closet to fish out a towel.

“Why do you sound _disappointed_?” Jade said, brow furrowed as she padded into the house with a shake of her hair.

“Long story,” Dave said, tossing Jade the towel as he padded into the kitchen to get the coffee going. “Wasn’t there a watering hole in Africa you could jump into or were Simba and Nala like they said they would be?”

“Why would I do that when I can just as easily jump into one that’s self-heating and completely alligator free?” Jade snorted, vigorously rubbing her hair with the towel.

“Thought you and your catgirlfriend got off on going Mick Dundee on the freaky fauna that live here,” Dave said, shoving a k-cup into the machine.

“Please; only _one_ of us gets paid to Crocodile Hunter across the world,” Jade said, wrapping the towel around her shoulders and hopping up on a barstool across from Dave as she rooted through his fruit basket.

“I would tell you to get paid for that shit too and maybe get a couple show going all Wild Thornberries style but we already had a show called Catdog and I think Nickelodeon would sue,” Dave said, opening a cabinet door to block the orange Jade lobbed at his head from across the counter.

“Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, you’re so _fucking_ hilarious, Dave,” Jade said, rolling her eyes.

“Easy, girl, no need to get all Cujo on me,” Dave said, holding his hands up. “Do I need to get the spray bottle or something?”

“Ugh…sorry,” Jade said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “That was more for Ampora than it was for you…”

“If you meant to hit Eridan with that you have some colossally _shitty_ aim,” Dave said, bending down to pick up the orange. “What’s Harry Genocider Potter done this time?”

“Nothing…unless you count _fucking my girlfriend_ ,” Jade muttered darkly, snatching an apple from the basket and biting into it with a sharp crunch. There were times Dave really appreciated Jade’s candor; were Rose in the same situation she might have hemmed and hawed and hid behind red candy and enough self-denial to make her therapist a very rich woman.

Getting answers from Jade was less like removing wisdom teeth and more like removing wiggling tooth via doorknob and dental floss.

“I would count that in the not-nothing category,” Dave said, grabbing his coffee and saddling up to the counter across from Jade. “Thought she was hatefucking TZ or something?”

“She was,” Jade muttered, grabbing Dave’s cup and taking a long drink out of it before he could raise it to his lips. “ _Was_ being the operative word until about three weeks ago-”

“At which point she decided to act like a good cat and catch herself a fish?” Dave said, ducking a banana Jade whipped at his head. “Shit if I had known I was playing Fruit Ninja I would have kept the fucking sword…he’s not that bad, is he?”

“He wouldn’t be if he didn’t make Nepeta go all spade-eyed,” Jade muttered, taking another bite of her apple. “All I fucking hear is how much of a jerk Eridan is and how Nepeta hates his stupid face and while normally I would agree with her, her version of hating Eridan involves-“

“Riding the seahorse?” Dave said, catching the plum Jade threw at his head and taking a bite out of it. “You see why I don’t play Alternian Romantic Four Square now?”

“Yeah yeah,” Jade sighed, pouting a little as she stared out one of the bay windows across the ocean. “We had kind of a fight a couple of days ago…”

“That why you’re not on location in Zimbabwe with her or something?” Dave asked.

“No, I dropped her off in Ireland for the week,” Jade said, resting her cheek on her hand. “Just before I came here; she’s going to edit the biclops documentary at Eridan’s flat or something.”

“Left her mad on the steps of her hatemate,” Dave whistled, taking a sip of his coffee at long fucking last. “That’s gutsy…or damn foolish.”

“She’s not mad...we’re just-“

“Getting on like cats and-“Dave stopped as Jade picked up the metal paper towel rack, a dark look crossing her gaze. “You know what? That’s a low hanging fruit, even for me.”

“Yeah, you used up your Littlest Petshop routine about twenty seconds after Nepeta and I hooked up,” Jade said. “From both of us; please cut the catdog jokes down to an appropriate minimum.”

“What’s an appropriate mini-“

“ _Fucking none_!” Jade barked.

“Noted,” Dave said, taking a sip of his coffee. “You sure you’re not dealing with Post Hatedating Stress Disorder?”

“Maybe…I don’t know,” Jade sighed, leaning on her hand on the counter. “How did you deal with Terezi hatedating Gamzee?”

“The same way a shallow football player with a scholarship to A&M deals with the news that his girlfriend is pregnant,” Dave shrugged.

“So…not at all?” Jade said.

“Precisely,” Dave said, toasting Jade who gave a reluctant snort. “Look, you and Rose and John all seem to be doing okay with the whole “my-girlfriend-has-three-other-girlfriends” runaround. Good on y’all; being all culturally sensitive and shit. Just don’t ask me to sit around like a minister’s wife while you go off and routinely fuck someone who makes you feel like a piece of shit.”

Jade winced a little as Dave felt a sudden flush in his cheeks at how much Terezi’s relationship with Gamzee still seemed to raise his hackles, even so many years down the line.

“…in Nepeta’s defense, I don’t think Eridan’s left a scratch on her since they’ve been dating,” Jade mused, popping a piece of a banana in her mouth while Dave stuck his head in the fridge, pretending to look for something while he regained his composure. It wasn’t often that Dave allowed himself to be viewed in his natural habitat and Jade knew better than to press him on something he didn’t want to talk about. He was almost as bad as Rose was in that respect. “It’s not so much that as she gets all…hateboner’d.”

“Is that the technical term?” Dave chuckled, leaning on the counter across from Jade.

“She got all spadey when she started in with Terezi too,” Jade shrugged. “New relationships I guess. She’ll come back down from this hate-high soon enough; maybe a week at his place is what she needs to get sick of his ass…”

“I think that would work for me,” Dave said as Jade barked out a bitter laugh.

“Believe me, I couldn’t spend an hour with the guy, let alone a whole week,” Jade said.

“And what are your plans for this week?” Dave said, feeling more level headed as he felt the caffeine do its work on him. “Besides moping that your girlfriend is fucking Dolphin Dong.”

“I don’t know, I had the whole week blocked out for that already,” Jade said with a small snort.

“Seriously?” Dave said, blinking owlishly. “Moping is not in your wheelhouse, Harley.”

“Never too late to learn,” Jade chuckled, leaning over the counter to get at another piece of fruit. Dave glanced down for a split second, before realizing that Jade was stuffed into a bikini that was working overtime to restrain her curves. He tactfully glanced down into his mug, focusing on the swirling brown liquid rather than the freckled, brown skin dangling a foot in front of his face.

“There’s no way you’re going to lock yourself in your house for the whole week,” Dave snorted, taking a step backwards. “When have you ever been able to just do nothing?”

“Nothing seems like a pretty good something to do if I’m being honest,” Jade shrugged.

“Uh uh,” Dave said, shaking his head as he downed the rest of his coffee. “Not allowed; you are a fuckmothering goddess that can appear anywhere in the fucking world you want and you’re not going to waste your time eating Cheetos and watch the Kardashians sort out their quadrant issues.”

“Coming from the fuckmothering god with nearly infinite money who spends his days tuckered away in his tower like some kind of bird-wizard,” Jade snorted.

“How did you know my latest single is called Bird Wizard?” Dave said.

“You don’t exactly have room to lecture me on moping, mister,” Jade said, waggling her finger. “Face it; you’ve been the Mayor of Mopecity for the last four months.”

“I’m _allowed_ a cursory moping period because I _actually_ broke up with Karkat,” Dave said, waggling his finger. “You still have furry Steve Irwin despite the fact that she’s canoodling with the Creature from the Vviolet Lagoon.”

“That’s as depressing as breaking up with someone if not even more so,” Jade said, sticking her tongue out. “So if I want to chill on the beach, eating frozen pizzas and watching stupid shows all week, that’s my prerogative so nyeh!”

“But-“

“ _Nyeh_!” Jade said emphatically, reaching for the fruit basket when Dave looked like he was going to say something again. “I will orange you, Dave, so help me… _me_!”

Dave sighed, shrugging as he fished another k-cup out of the cabinet. As he was about to make a second cup of coffee, he paused, hands on the counter as he stared at the bottom of the empty cup. Behind him, Jade pulled her tank top on over her bikini top, flopping down on the couch.

As baller as it may have been to be considered a bird wizard, a small part of Dave’s social brain that hadn’t wilted and died from lack of exposure had to agree with Jade. Two years gone from the end of that shitty Minecraft MMORPG and Dave had nothing to really show for it other than a glass tower full of shit he didn’t need. After they touched back down on their new world, the boonbucks he had made crashing LOHAC’s economy had converted over and even after a 1/100 conversion rate Dave Strider found that he could still buy all the tea in China, all the china in China, and all of _China_ while still having money left over to invest in all the cheese in Switzerland.

Truth be told, being a world class billionaire was less exciting than he thought it was going to be. After his initial “buy-fucking-everything” spending spree, Dave quickly learned that money could buy a lot of things but self-satisfaction or a sense of purpose weren’t among them. He wondered if he was a little hasty dropping out of school but when one could build a bridge out of money from Earth to the Moon higher education didn’t seem to be all that useful anymore. So Dave spent most of his days bumming around Houston, sprawling out on the beach, or haunting the natural history museums and trying not to snicker at the date estimations under the Egyptian artifacts.

It was easier when Karkat was with him and on some level, Dave wondered if he made the right call by ending things with Karkat when he did. But he wanted to do a flushed slide to the pale quadrant which was enough to make Dave’s head spin. As much as Dave knew Karkat was sincere in his feelings he couldn’t go from something that felt so much like love to something that didn’t quite feel as close.

(He was well aware of the significance of moirailegence in troll culture but Dave was not some pissy highblood that needed to be shooshpapped.)

His exes were now living happily ever after in Arizona (thank god all his exes didn’t live in Texas) and he was an enigmatic elderly recluse at only eighteen and the rest of eternity wasn’t looking all that promising. Eighteen years old and already in a rut…he was far and away the dullest billionaire in the world.

“Where’s the remote?” Jade asked.

He needed to do something…something drastic before he became one of those old dudes who did nothing with their money but watch it grow. He needed something radical, something like-

“ _Vegas_ ,” Dave blurted out without thinking, earning him a puzzled look from Jade on the sofa.

“The fuck is your remote doing there?” Jade asked.

“No…shit, you’re right I’m practically bird-Gandalf at this point,” Dave grunted, running a hand through his hair as he grabbed his phone from the counter. A small thrill of energy rippled through him as he found himself mildly excited about something for the first time in months. “Setting a bad example for the rest of the pantheon let’s…shit, let’s go to Vegas.”

“What…now?” Jade asked, sitting up on the sofa.

“I have _literally_ nothing better to do,” Dave said, glancing down at his phone as he perched on the arm of the sofa. “You have _literally_ nothing better to do and I’m really not looking forward to another week doing dick all but write, draw, and watch TV. We might as well go try and make a dent in the ridiculous fucking fortune this stupid game left me by pissing it away on something stupid.”

“Like gambling?” Jade said, brow wrinkling. “Not really interested in rubbing elbows with tourists at the craps table; you want that money gone why don’t you burn it or give it to charity or bury a million dollars in a box of loot somewhere and make a treasure hunt for people to find it.”

“All _valid_ ideas...and when we get back I’m contacting Jerry Bruckheimer so we can get to work on _Box o’ Loot: The Series_ ,” Dave said, scrolling through his phone. “We don’t have to gamble or anything…let’s just go be bratty trust fund yuppies or something. Eat foie gras and caviar sandwiches at stupidly expensive restaurants. Go see Celene Dion’s new Cirque du Solei experience. Get stupidly drunk and listen to terrible eurohouse at a club or embarrass Donald Trump at the high roller’s table.”

“Oh, come on, we can’t just-“Jade trailed off as Dave held up a hand, glancing up from his phone with the fiercest look Jade could remember seeing on him.

“Can’t is no longer in our dictionary,” Dave said emphatically, red eyes glinting in a way that made Jade’s tail wag unconsciously. “Can’t is officially out of the lexicon of any and all deities operating anywhere in this Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup universe. Out of the Deity Dictionary, thrown out from the Theological Thesaurus, eradicated entirely from the Encyclopedia Eschatological. Kaput. Wiped out. No mas.”

“I know Rose is all fired up about going back to her perfectly normal life like she’s not some kind of deity and John hasn’t really made a show of doing anything legendary other than fucking Vriska so hard he got kicked out of his last apartment for property damage,” Dave ignored Jade’s wrinkling nose. “But come on at least two of us have to be somewhat respectable deities.”

“Which means what, exactly?” Jade said, crossing her legs and sitting up on the couch. “You think we should turn ourselves into bulls and go impregnate comely wenches?”

“Wow, good to know where your mind is, Harley,” Dave said, dodging a pillow lobbed at his head. “I’m just saying the mortals of this world have been denied the faces of their gods for too fucking long. The masters of the universe once again walk the streets of the world, dispensing justice and mercy and all that good divine shit. If you recall, immortality and fabulous wealth are supposed to be our fucking spoils of war; hard fought and hard earned booty that we haven’t fully taken advantage of.”

“Are you asking if I want to take advantage of your booty, Mr. Strider?” Jade sniggered, earning a small snort of laughter from Dave who spun around on the arm of the sofa until his feet touched the cushions in front of Jade’s crossed legs.

“Come on; be the Hermes to my Zeus here,” Dave said, clasping his hands together and pleading. “Let’s write some new legends and give people something to talk about; the legend of the Knight of Time and the Witch of Space and how they journeyed to yonder City of Sin to party with the pale night-dwellers who lived there. There did they sample the most decedent treats the dark world had to offer and attended many shows held in their honor. There did tigers dance for their pleasure and comely young people come to their beds-“

“ _Dave_!” Jade snorted, pressing a foot on Dave’s chest and sending him tumbling backwards off the leg of the chair and onto the marble floor.

“Okay, maybe just my bed,” Dave shrugged, tugging himself up over the lip of the couch. “I am the single one here; maybe it’s time to get back on ye olde horse.”

“Ugh, please don’t start leaving random demi-gods all over the place,” Jade sighed, rolling her eyes. “That’s so cliché.”

“I’ll try not to,” Dave said, pulling himself to his feet. “Come on; I know you’re down for this because your tail hasn’t stopped wagging since I started pitching this thing.”

Jade grabbed her tail flapping back and forth on the couch, making a big show of considering Dave’s offer for a moment before a toothy grin broke out across her face.

“Aww what the fuck, let’s go for it!” Jade yapped, pumping her fist in the air as Dave fought the urge to break into a smile himself. “If we play our cards right, we can secure our place as the Gods of Partying!”

“Shit, I can’t believe no one took that purview when we were divvying up the world,” Dave said. “You’re right; we need to cement our legend as the foremost partiers of the pantheon before someone one ups us…”

“Like who?” Jade snorted. “No one else really strikes me as the hard partying type.”

“Hey, maybe Tavros has gotten crunker than we remember him,” Dave said seriously. “We can’t be too careful; we’re gonna wake up one day and fucking Kanaya is going to be worshipped as the Goddess of Partying.”

“Oh god no,” Jade shuddered.

“We need to assert our rights as the Patrons of Party before one of those fucking squares usurps us and the world is cursed to have the lamest parties imaginable,” Dave said, punching in another few keystrokes on his phone as Jade stood up, picking up her shorts from the floor and starting towards the bathroom.

“Sounds like a plan…who knows, I might take Nepeta up on her suggestion,” Jade chuckled, tugging her tank top over her head as Dave slumped down on the couch.

“What was that suggestion; never bet on red?” Dave asked as Jade lingered on the edge of the doorway to the bathroom.

“Actually, she suggested that since I was feeling stifled by her relationship with Eridan, maybe I should take a leaf from her book,” Jade said with a thoughtful expression.

“By fucking a fishboy?” Dave asked.

“No, by hooking up with someone else so I don’t get so jealous of her and Eridan,” Jade said casually. “Hey, maybe Vegas is the best place to do that, right?”

Dave’s fingers stopped their search on his phone, eyes boring down into the screen with a blank expression. There were two wet slaps on the cold marble floor as Jade’s swimsuit flopped to the ground outside the bathroom door as it snapped shut. Dave stared at the battleworn bikini for a long moment as his brain tried to process what Jade had just said.

And for the first time in a _long_ time, Dave Strider, God of Sick Fires, was completely out of things to say other than-

"Huh..."


	2. Friday Night (I'm a Girl Not Yet a Goddess)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave lives out his Elvis and Brittany Spears fantasies in one day and Jade really wants to zoop Dave

“…really?”

It hadn’t taken Jade but a second to zip back to Santa Barbara and only a few hours to throw everything she could conceivably need for the weekend into several bulging suitcases, make sure the fish were fed, and lock everything up. She was never one to pack all that heavily (being so used to humping around the world with Nepeta for the past two years) so when she showed up in Dave’s penthouse with three suitcases she was mildly surprised by the small mountain of red steamer trunks sitting on a dolly in the foyer with a small note attached to one of them:

* * *

 

 _B-2_  
_- >->->_

_-D_

* * *

 

Jade’s nose wrinkled at the note, eyes following the arrow to an open elevator door on the other side of the foyer.

“Drama queen can’t even text me like a regular person, can he?” Jade snorted, shaking her head as tossed her luggage on top of the dolly and shoved it into the elevator with a light kick. She followed the cart, pressing the button with her toe before a thought stuck her. As the doors closed, she reached out, putting a hand on the dolly as she concentrated on Dave’s location some thirty stories below her. He was impossible to miss; a big red beacon thrumming directly below her. Even if she had never been in Dave’s building before she supposed she could zoop her way to his side absolutely no difficulty and being one of two deities responsible for the physical makeup of the world around her meant she generally knew where shit was if she just looked for it.

There was a small shimmer of green light as Jade and her luggage disappeared from the elevator, appearing in a soundless pop in the wide, echoing garage at the lowest level of the tower. She saw Dave reclining on the hood of a pastel pink convertible, head resting on one hand as he stared expectantly at the elevator door entrance at the other end of the garage. There was a small ding as the elevator she abandoned hit the bottom floor and Dave flicked a button on his phone. Immediately the car was bathed in bright floodlights as speakers in the car began blaring.

_“Bright light city gonna set my soul~ Gonna set my soul on fire~ Got a whole lot of money that’s ready to burn~ So set those stakes up higher~”_

Jade tried to contain her sniggers, watching Dave’s back as he lifted his head from the hood of the car, no doubt frowning in confusion as he slid off the car, dropping his phone on the hood as he started making his way over to the elevator shaft. Jade slid up on the hood of the car as Dave craned his head in the empty elevator, resting on her hands as her feet kicked idly behind her. She mentally counted the seconds Dave spent fruitlessly searching for her and finally busted out laughing when he turned around to see her resting on the hood of his car and gave the slightest, nigh-imperceptible jump of surprise which he tried to pass off as a casual lean against the wall of the garage.

“Had to ruin the Elvis routine I spent the last half hour setting up, didn’t you?” Dave shouted over the music as Jade turned the stereo off. “Couldn’t just follow my needlessly vague notes and be utterly wowed by my dazzling display, could you?”

“Better question is why you thought I would take the elevator in the first place,” Jade giggled,

“Do you even _walk_ anywhere anymore?” Dave clucked, shaking his head.

“What is this walking?” Jade said, tapping her chin as she rolled off the car, sneakers kicking up a small pile of dust on the garage floor. “Is that some kind of weird thing people do when they can’t teleport anywhere at whim?”

In a futile attempt to recover from being totally boobified, Dave flash stepped across the garage, landing back on the hood of the car, legs cross and hands resting behind him like a model in an 80’s hair metal video.

“I still think it’s bullshit you get teleporting powers too,” Jade sighed, kicking the tires with her toe absentmindedly. “Time gods need to stay in their lane please."

“I’m not teleporting; I’m just moving faster than your slower than molasses-in-January eyes see,” Dave said, sprawling out on the hood of the car. “And don’t be scuffing up the whitewalls, Jade; the guy who sold it to me just put em on.”

"Did you _seriously_ just buy this?” Jade said, shaking her head. “When did you find the time?”

“When you were washing the chlorine out of your tail,” Dave shrugged. “We’re coming into Vegas full Roman triumph style and we needed a suitably godly chariot to convey our divine asses.”

“And Barbie’s Dream Car was the best you could find?” Jade said, earning a horrified and entirely unnecessary gasp from Dave.

“Barbie’s Dream…do you… _do you know what this is_?” Dave said, gesturing to the car’s hood.

“The same car Ken got to second base in?” Jade shrugged, ignoring Dave's overblown histrionics. “Sorry, I’m not a big car person; I grew up on a roadless island and everything I’ve been driving lately has been beige and all-terrain. Am I missing something here?”

“Jade I cannot _believe_ that I have to sit you down and explain to you the significance of showing up to the Las Vegas strip in a pink 1959 Cadillac Series 62 convertible,” Dave sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “A car does not _get_ more Vegas than a pink Cadillac convertible. Not if you drove into town in a car made out of casino chips with Danny Ocean’s head spray painted on the bumper. Not even if Siegfried and Roy got an Uber with Wayne Newton after Zombie Elvis’ rager. Not even if-”

“Wait, back on up, are you _seriously_ thinking of driving that thing from here to Las Vegas?” Jade said, raising an eyebrow. “You know that’s like...halfway across the country, right?!”

“Is it? I thought it was just down the road past the giant cow that has “HELL IS REAL” painted on the side,” Dave said with a small, feigned gasp.

“And you know I could just…zoop us there in a split second,” Jade said, wiggling her fingers for effect.

“And miss the chance to roadtrip in style?” Dave snorted. “We’re popping our Vegas virginities here and this baby is the bubblegum flavored condom that’s going to ensure our first, nervous foray into the world of adulthood is safe and enjoyable for both of us. Vegas isn’t some cheap, easy floozy like San Francisco or New York that you can come and go from without so much as a how-do-you-do. You have to get her in the mood, put on some Elvis Presley, and show up in style before she opens up like a flower and lets you sip the sweet nectar with-“

“You made your point…oh _god_ , did you ever make your point,” Jade said, jerking a thumb over to the pile of trunks on the dolly. “Any thoughts on how to get your entire spring collection into this sucker?”

“That’s where you come in,” Dave said, walking around the side of the car and lightly rapping on the trunk. “I figured you could do some kind of...spacy thing on the trunk.”

“Spacy thing?” Jade said, raising an eyebrow.

“Make all the Doctor Who nerds jealous because our trunk is bigger on the inside,” Dave said, lowering his glasses to look at Jade properly. “Thought you Space cases were good at that kind of thing.”

“I could do some kinda spacy thing and zoop us all there,” Jade said, glancing down at the trunk with a wrinkled nose. "That's a spacey thing I could do."

“…do I need to revisit the condom metaphor?” Dave sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose under his glasses. “You can’t just _zoop_ your way into the loving embrace of Lady Vegas; you must seduce her through-“

An orange bounced off the side of his head as he looked up to see Jade holding the fruit basket from his kitchen.

“Did you think I was playing when I said I would orange you?” Jade chuckled, foisting the basket into Dave’s arms as she cracked her knuckles. "Hold my fruit."

Dave took a bite of an apple as Jade paced around the car, glancing down at the undercarriage and hopping into the trunk, bouncing up and down a few times. He thought that she was blowing out the shocks because she appeared to be sinking lower and lower but by the time she was waist deep in the trunk, Dave realized that the car was staying at the same height while Jade appeared to be disappearing into a slowly expanding trunk.

"This _spacey_ enough for you?" Jade's voice called from deep inside the car as Dave made his way over to the back.

“Nicely done, Harley; went from Barbie’s Dream Car to Barbie’s Dream Doublewide lickety split,” Dave said with a low whistle, grabbing Jade’s hand and hoisting her up out of the black velvet trunk that now stretched some eight feet down into the car. “Throw some cots in there and we don’t have to rent a hotel room.”

“We’re not high school kids after prom; we’re not going to lose our Vegas virginity in the back of a car,” Jade said, brushing her shorts off.

“Now you’re catching on,” Dave said, tossing the fruit basket in the passenger seat as he had to force himself not to make another virginity comment. He turned around to start grabbing his suitcases to find them completely gone from the trolley and Jade closing the trunk behind him.

“See how fast I did that?” Jade said, leaning on the side of the car. “Could _literally_ already be in Las Vegas but nooooooo, someone wants to take the road trip like we’re in a coming of age teen movie.”

“Hey, I missed out on all that good Stand By Me bullshit because I was too busy becoming a fucking god of time and creating mishmash universe before my eighteenth birthday,” Dave said, hopping over the edge of the car into the driver’s seat. “Kinda doesn’t leave a whole lot of room to fill out the old mental scrapbook with happy snapshots.”

“Rose would say this is a “misguided attempt to recapture your lost youth” or something,” Jade said, hopping over the edge of the car into the passenger’s seat.

“Damn straight it is,” Dave said with a small nod. “If she spent her youth in Naruto Nightmare Training Camp she’d be trying to recapture her youth with a net so wide you could catch school buses in. She’d have tagged her inner child and tracked it like the fucking Predator through the jungles of life until she caught it, skinned it, and made it into an animal eared hoodie. She would be going Ash Ketchum on childhood memories, trying to catch em all and make them fight other people's childhood memories for gym badges.”

“Are we collecting childhood memories or trying to kill them and wear their hides?” Jade asked, brow furrowing.

“I don’t know that one got away from me,” Dave shrugged, firing up the engine with a throaty roar that echoed throughout the mostly empty garage. “Point is we’ve done the most grown up thing imaginable and birthed a fucking universe so that means we get to whack off and be juvenile every once and a while without any psychological scrutiny from the Ancient and Noble House of Lalonde.”

“Does…does Rose _usually_ scrutinize your whacking off?” Jade said, wrinkling her nose.

“Thank you...for that wonderful mental image,” Dave said with a barely perceptible shudder. “Now I’m going to spend the rest of the trip imagining Rose scrutinizing my self-gratification habits like Jane Goodall studying the gorillas.”

“You wouldn’t have to if we just zooped there,” Jade sing-songed, kicking her feet up on the dash. “Can I at least drive halfway there?”

“Do you even have your driver’s license Ms. ATV?” Dave asked. “Or know how to drive stick?”

“Do you?” Jade countered as the car lurched forward a little jerkily.

“Don’t change the subject,” Dave said, lowering his glasses and examining the gearshift. “Oh…haha, had the thing in neutral. Ain’t that some shit?”

“…I’m going to die in Barbie’s Dream Car, aren’t I?” Jade asked quietly, clutching her fruitbasket in her lap as Dave pulled out of the garage and into the blistering Texas afternoon.

* * *

 Jade watched the Arizona landscape stretch out into the horizon, hair whipping in the breeze as their bright pink convertible wove in and out of traffic like the rest of the cars were going in slow motion.

…probably because they were.

It was no zooping but Jade was quickly getting a crash course on how Time deities managed to get around so quickly. Inside the car, things proceeded as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening but the sun had barely budged from its zenith since leaving Texas and other than a few stop offs to restock on cheeseburgers and gasoline, Jade’s wristwatch had barely budged as they passed from radio station to radio station playing incredibly slowed down versions of top forty songs.

“God-damnit right in the middle of a Drake power hour,” Dave sighed, banging on the radio as the station they had been listening to since Phoenix cut from unrecognizably slow music into unrecognizably slow static. Dave ducked his head down to fiddle with the radio as the car barreled towards the back of a mostly stationary semi-truck.

“Hey, eyes on the road!” Jade said with a snap of her fingers. Dave ducked his head back up to see that they had jumped ahead half a mile or so in the stationary traffic, the semi-truck disappearing behind them. “Is Drake more important than making sure this bubblegum party wagon gets to Nevada in one piece?”

“Drake is more important than most things, Jade,” Dave says seriously, gripping the wheel again. “He is a great poet and voice of our generation; if nothing else, our little universe is a success because it managed to recreate Drizzy in all his sensitive Canuck glory.”

“Then can we get a mulligan so we’re in a universe where Dave Strider pays attention to the road when he drives?” Jade grumbled. “I would totally cash in Drake for a universe where you don’t _Dave stop pretending to cry and watch the road!"_

“Yeah because if I don’t we could totally die?” Dave sighed, rolling his eyes. “Jade, you know we could seriously wrap this car around a tree at a hundred miles an hour and the only thing that would die would be the tree, right? Maybe the squirrels and a ladybug or two...”

“Some of us worked very hard on those trees, thank you very much,” Jade sniffed, crossing her arms. “Don’t go throwing yourself against them and knocking them over just because you want to flex your godly muscles.”

“I didn’t know you spent so much time thinking about my godly muscles,” Dave said, stretching his arms out behind him as Jade lunged across the car to grab the steering wheel. “Jade, what are you doing?”

“Trying to stop you from running us off the road!” Jade grunted, reaching across the car and swerving them back towards the middle of the road.

“This seems like unsafe driving, Jade,” Dave scolded, reaching down to adjust his seat as Jade unbuckled her seatbelt. “This is how you run into trees, Jade; are you even thinking about the poor trees right now?”

“Fuck you!” Jade giggled. “I haven’t seen a tree since Phoenix! Just cactus, cactus, and, oh yeah, _more cactus_!”

“Someone worked hard on those cactuses, thank you very much. Please consider they’re prickly feelings before you go driving like a 1920’s rumrunner on the run from the law,” Dave sighed, opening a bag of chips as Jade struggled to steer from the seat next to him. “You are taking backseat driving to new and frightening levels I never knew existed.”

“Then let me drive!” Jade huffed, craning her neck over to Dave’s side of the car.

“Um, okay, why don’t you just scooch on over here and take the wheel while I work the gas pedals and the gears over here,” Dave snorted. “Just switch over while we’re going sixty miles an hour on an empty freeway; great idea. Better idea; why don’t you just sprawl out on the hood all Utena style? Get a Whitesnake video going on the-“

They broke free of a cluster of cars and Jade made her move. Suddenly, Dave’s field of vision was obstructed by a mass of curly black hair as Jade slid across the seat, plunking herself down on Dave’s lap and almost spilling his chips in the process. Dave might have been mildly concerned about that fact were it not for the fact that Jade was wriggling her butt in his lap, trying to adjust to her new position and in the process completely derailing Dave’s train of thought for the briefest of moments.

“Jade, I know those internet videos where the dog pretends to drive are cute as shit but-“

“Just work the pedals,” Jade said, leaning back and squishing Dave’s face against the seat with a small squeaking sound. “You’ve lost your wheel privileges, mister.”

“Yeah, sure, just tell that to the next cop that pulls us over,” Dave sighed, shifting gears while parting Jade’s hair enough to rest his head on her shoulder. “ _Sorry officer, my friend was driving like Marty McFly if Marty McFly was also a Kennedy so I thought it would be better if I sat my ass in his lap and drove like Apollonia from the Godfather. Why no, I haven’t been drinking why do you ask?”_

“What traffic cop is going to pull us over?” Jade snorted derisively.

“Time cops,” Dave said sternly. “You think you can just dick around and do whatever you want with the timestream then oh-shit here comes Jean Claude Van-Damme to kick your head off your shoulders. You want to be the one to explain to Jean Claude Van-Damme why you’re violating traffic laws?”

“Please; I could take Jean Claude Van-Damme any day of the week,” Jade scoffed. “And if that doesn’t work, we have sex appeal to fall back on.”

“Goodness gracious, Jade, what would your mother say if she knew her daughter was seducing time-travelling Belgian kickboxers?” Dave said with a small gasp.

“Um…I was talking about you,” Jade giggled, turning back to look at Dave with a waggle of her brows. “If anyone is pulling their tits out for Jean Claude Van-Damme, it’s going to be you.”

“Oh my god, I’ve always wanted to take my shirt off for sweaty eighties kickboxers,” Dave said, pumping his fist ever so slightly. “See, we’re not even in Vegas and I’m already in peril of flashing the time police; tell me this doesn’t beat the shit out of binging on reality television and eating Cheetos.”

“Jury’s still out,” Jade said as the Nevada state line whizzed past them. “I could be watching naked people try and survive in the wilderness on the couch while eating Chinese food right now instead of driving through the bloody desert.”

“Wasn’t that basically you’re entire childhood; surviving naked in the wilderness?” Dave asked. “Hey, you want naked people we can get you naked people. Say the word and I can summon some strippers to our hotel suite lickety split.”

“I will _actually_ throw you out the window if you order strippers to my room,” Jade snorted. “Especially since you’ll survive the fall.”

“Not even just for me?” Dave whined. “Come on Jade; four months. It's been four months of bird wizard chastity for me."

“Oh nooo how horrible,” Jade pouted, craning her neck back and fixing Dave with a quivering expression. “ _How_ have you managed to survive this long?”

“I’ve done some things I’m not proud of,” Dave said, glancing out the window. “Bought some things I’m not proud of. Rented some movies I’m _definitely_ not proud of.”

“Heartbreaking,” Jade sighed. “When do you sit for Time Magazine’s Person of the Year photoshoot?”

“After I get in touch with Paramount,” Dave said, leaning back in his seat as Jade took over shifting gears. “We’re trying to get Owen Wilson to play me in the _Four Months of Blueballs: The Dave Strider Saga_ but he’s playing hardball. Might have to go with Dane Cook as a backup. Point is I’m single and nowhere nearly ready to mingle so-”

“You’re going to hate yourself if you wake up next to some cheap glittered up blonde while we’re here, you know that right?” Jade clucked.

“As a cheap glittered up blonde I take offense to that,” Dave replied, resting his hand on top of Jade’s head and turning her back around for a couple of reasons but mostly because he didn’t want her looking at him as he poked what could be a seriously sensitive subject. Normally he would have left it until any potential defense systems were disarmed by steak, cake, and liquor but something Jade had said earlier was eating at him something fierce.

“Anyway,” Dave coughed into his hand. “Am I…right in assuming that you’re as free to wake up next to cheap glittered floozies as I am?”

“What?”

“I mean,” Dave said, choosing his words carefully. “I thought I heard you say something to the effect that you have some kind of Ass Pass because your girlfriend is currently the Zeus to Eridan’s Roxanne so-.”

“Dave, I am begging you; please start making sense sometime this century,” Jade sighed.

“Hey, you were the one who said something about Nepeta letting you fool around with some extra-quadratic activity or whatever,” Dave said, holding his hands up. “I need to know if you’re on the prowl for some non-catgirl booty this weekend so I can be a god-tier wingman over here.”

“Oh god did I bring that up?” Jade coughed, ears twitching a little bit. “Ugh, you know what, just forget about that; trust me when I say that’s a can of worms you don’t want to open.”

“Hey _you_ opened it,” Dave said. “Can’s cracked and the worms are wriggling all over the place. You don’t just casually drop the insinuation that you and your girlfriend are expanding your romantic horizons like it’s no biggie.”

“Someone’s _awfully_ interested in mine and Nepeta’s relationship,” Jade snorts, glancing at Dave in the rearview mirror.

“What can I say; I’m a lousy gossip hound,” Dave coughed, trying not to shift too much under Jade’s hips. “And again, if you need a wingman-”

“Godly wingman is on deck; duly noted,” Jade snickered. “What’s your obsession with being my wingman anyway?”

“It’s a sacred homie duty that I’ve never had the opportunity to satisfy,” Dave shrugged. “The game happened, everyone was flying around and jumping into alien relationships, and when we finally got back we had a cosmos to create. Now John’s tangled up in Vriska’s web, Rose has got that whole Twilight situation going on, and you were locked into what I assumed was a monogamous relationship until this morning. It’s like I have a second lease on being the Kato to someone’s Green Hornet. The Samwise Gamgee to someone’s Mr. Frodo. The Enzo Amore to someone’s-”

“Got it,” Jade laughed. “If the opportunity to be the Thelma to my Louise ever arises, I’ll give you a signal.”

“Caw like a mating crow; I’ll swoop in,” Dave said. “We’ll hammer out the details once we hit the strip.”

“That reminds me,” Jade said, glancing at Dave in the mirror. “You didn’t book us at some cheap ass motel off the strip, did you? Like as some kind of hipster...ironic...anti-capitalism statement?”

“Yeah Jade,” Dave said flatly. “I am so completely gross rich that I could pay people to spend my money for me, I just dropped fifty grand on a car that I’m never going to drive again just to make an Elvis reference, and for our big Vegas _frenaissance_ I checked us into a hostel run by a toothless ex-nun and her drug dealer husband to save a few bucks. If you wanted to insult me, Jade, you could have just said my hair was douchey or something.”

“Okay, okay, don’t cry on me,” Jade said. “So where are we staying?”

"Now see if this _was_ a coming of age teen comedy, this would be the part where we cut to us standing in front of the hotel where you say something like-"

* * *

 

“-seriously?”

“Are you surprised?”

“No…I really should have known once I spotted this… _thing_ ,” Jade sighed, shielding her eyes as she stared up at the towering white structure before her. An ancient looking, marble building that looked to be a very convincing mock up of an ancient Grecian temple stretched before them flanked by two white towers on either side. Two massive fountains sat on either side of a footbridge leading to the front door filled with sixteen marble statues that Jade found to be _very_ familiar looking.

“Does The Pantheon at Las Vegas not meet your expectations, Miss Harley?” Dave asked, loading the last of the luggage on a baggage cart.

“You know, I don’t know why I’m surprised that our little version of Vegas has a giant casino replica of an ancient Roman temple to our godly selves,” Jade sighed, cocking her head at the giant plaster replica of the Witch of Space looming over her. “Churches must have had a fit when this opened…”

“They’re still having a fit by the look of it,” Dave said, glancing over the rim of his glasses at a small but fairly vocal crowd of conservatively dressed people milling around with picket signs some hundred yards from the entrance. “Want to go get yelled at by fundies? It’s actually pretty hilarious once you get past all the profanity and vitriol.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Jade yawned, stretching as the setting sun glinted off the water, padding along the footbridge as Dave pushed the cart behind her. “We just drove twenty hours in eight; I’m too beat to deal with our less than adoring masses.”

“Too beat to give me a hand apparently,” Dave grunted, trying to get the mountain of trunks up the slight incline of the footbridge.

“Oh you’re right; how awful of me,” Jade cooed, reaching across and plucking her bag off the pile. “There we go; only fair that I pull my own weight.”

“Thank you brave Hercules for lifting this weight off my shoulders,” Dave grunted, putting his shoulder against the cart and muscling it along the footbridge at a snail’s pace.

“No one forced you to bring your whole fucking closet, dude,” Jade snickered, holding the front door open as Dave slid the cart into the atrium. She craned her neck up with an appreciative whistle, watching water slide down an enormous fountain that stretched a full ten stories up to a ceiling mural depicting the cloudy blue skies of Skaia. Ivy and plants wound down faux-marble columns, landing in planters that ran along the walls while clear, glass floors looked down into an aquarium filled with colorful tropical fish.

“I thought casinos were supposed to be dark and seedy to make people lose track of how the world outside works,” Jade asked.

“Figured you’d appreciate one that wasn’t,” Dave panted, hands resting on his knees. “Besides, I thought it was high time that a hotel that boasted that it was “fit for the gods” got put through the fucking paces.”

“I’m not gonna argue,” Jade shrugged, ambling over to a rack next to the counter as Dave checked them in, thumbing through fliers for skydiving, motorcycle lessons, and no shortage of cabaret shows. “You got any plans for while we’re here?”

“Hey I got us in the front door and into the John and Rose suites,” Dave said, tossing a keycard to Jade as he nodded towards the elevator as a bellhop suppressed a small groan at the size of the baggage tower. “Ironically enough, Cher and Elton John are shacked up in the Smug Cracker and Nuclear Furry suites respectively so we have to settle for the Horrorterror room and the room without a floor.”

“The what?”

“You’ll see,” Dave said, nodding towards the elevator. “Come on; sooner we check in the sooner we can hit the strip.”

“What part of “I just spent the last day in a car” is confusing to you Mr. Stand By Me?” Jade grumbled, stepping into the clear glass elevator as Dave slid his card into the slot on the console. After a moment, the elevator dinged and the lift shot them skyward, floors passing them one by one as they cleared the lobby and looked out over the strip that was just starting to light up.

“Don’t tell me you’re seriously planning on staying in all night,” Dave said. “What are you going to do; order room service and watch pay per view?”

 

* * *

 

“…and an order of pot stickers,” Dave sighed into the phone, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, yeah, just put it on the room.”

Dave sighed, replacing the receiver on the octopus shaped cradle as he spread out on the couch. His room was so stereotypically Rose it almost hurt, done up in gold and black with plenty of horrorterror motifs here and there and Light emblems embossed on everything from the hand towels to the complementary condom wrappers. Jade stepped out of the bathroom, swaddled in a bright yellow and orange terrycloth robe as she toweled off her hair with a bright yellow and orange towel.

“I think Rose would be offended if we brought her here,” Jade mused, shaking her hair out as she examined her reflection in the mirror rimmed with stars and tentacles.

“You mean she wouldn’t be happy that the Seer of Light suite apparently took its inspiration from Dreams of a Fisherman’s Wife?” Dave snorted. “Is this seriously how you want to spend your first night in a city you’ve never been in before? You want to park your butt on the couch and catch up on the Naked and Afraid marathon?”

“Basically,” Jade said, leaping over the side of the couch and landing headfirst on Dave’s lap and grabbing for the remote. “Did you call it in?”

“Yes, even though there are literally three million five star restaurants within walking distance, we are ordering in from the hotel’s Chinese restaurant,” Dave said, yelping as Jade stuck a finger in his side.

“Don’t get all snobby on me, Strider,” Jade huffed, idly flipping through the channels. “We did what you wanted today already, which was freeze time and roadtrip across the country so could live out your Brittany Spears Crossroads fantasies. Now we get to do what I want to do which currently involves eggrolls and television.”

“We could have gotten eggrolls back in Texas,” Dave muttered.

“And we could have been here in like ten minutes but someone vetoed my fucking zoop suggestion,” Jade said, rolling onto her side and pinning Dave against the couch. “We’re going to have plenty of time to do whateeeeeeever you want tomorrow; you’re not going to overdose on chill pills anytime soon.”

“I’m already too chill for my own goddamn good, Jade, any more chill medication and I may go into what doctors refer to as a comizzle,” Dave said, shielding his face as Jade grabbed a pillow and whacked him in the side of the head. “I have a condition, Jade, stop bullying me.”

“If that condition is being a big baby I’m afraid I don’t see you getting over it anytime soon,” Jade giggled. “Shut up and watch these naked people try and survive in Borneo.”

“Okay but if this is yours and Nepeta’s honeymoon video I need at least a fair warning,” Dave said, leaning back against the couch. “Can’t just surprise me with naked girls all sudden like; I’ll have a goddamn heart attack.”

If Dave had known that exactly twelve hours later he would be flying backwards as an anti-material rifle nearly dislocated his shoulder, he might have been a little more appreciative of this down time. If he knew that exactly twenty four hours later, he would be thrown through a door by a burly Russian security guard while Jade attempted to commit grand theft auto, he might enjoyed the simple act of watching television and eating Chinese food. If he had known that thirty-six hours later he would run into both his exes in line at a buffet while hungover, sleep deprived, and dressed in floral board-shorts, he might have enjoyed a quiet moment alone with Jade when things were still somewhat normal.

But he didn’t know any of these things so, of course, he had to be a douche about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this updated. Needed a break from Ghost on the Dance Floor to work on something not quite so heavy. 
> 
> This took longer than I expected because this is still kind of the setup part of this totally serious story. Hopefully once I have the opportunity to write needlessly silly car chases and fight scenes these chapters will roll a little smoother. 
> 
> In the next chapter; Dave learns how to shoot a gun, Jade learns how to bluff properly, and the pair of them resolve to steal sixteen Bengal tigers from their less than kindly owners.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you joining in from Human Quadrants, welcome back! For those just joining us, it might behoove you to read Chapter 2 of Human Quadrants for some more worldbuilding info. The gist of it is as follows:
> 
> After winning the game, the alpha and beta timelines are split into different universe and the Beta players are tasked with creating a new universe with themselves as the new masters of creation. After a long series of debates and deliberations, they wish for the new world to be an amalgam of their old worlds with trolls and humans existing side by side from the dawn of creation.
> 
> The sixteen new gods stayed with their creation for some time, mostly so Karkat could use the cults that had sprang up around their godhoods to enact a kind of basic social order that would ensure their pet project didn’t devolve into a clusterfuck of murder and prejudice like the last two worlds. After making sure the new Altearthians were set with how to farm and not be eaten by giant crabs, most of the gods entered a kind of hibernation and were flung forward in time to the present day. This was largely so they didn’t go insane micromanaging every aspect of human and troll life as some (Feferi, Karkat, Equius, Rose) seemed to want to do. Gamzee disappeared before they could enter hibernation and Eridan quietly left the night before they were to enter the time warp so neither entered the sleep that carried them to the modern day.
> 
> The gods don’t remember their time on Altearthia before the modern day as anything other than dreams they don’t quite understand. Eridan resurfaced when everyone snapped back into time but Gamzee remained unaccounted for (for better and for worse).
> 
> It is now six thousand and sixteen years after the universe was reset and the Beta Gods act much like normal people would. They go to school, experiment with relationships, and generally try to figure out where they fit into a world they created. The only difference is that they’re fabulously wealthy nigh invincible immortals who have eternity to look forward to provided some asshole teenagers don’t go and reset the universe again.


End file.
